you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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