So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Randomize
