I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
Found your dick twin last night
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
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