sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
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