On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
