thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
