i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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