I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
what's Bukake?
a bad idea.
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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