Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
Randomize
