Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize