ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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