just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
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