i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
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