Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
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