whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Randomize
