I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
