He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Randomize
