he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
Randomize
