she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
The answer to your question is yes. I am wearing a star of david to the bar in order attract a jewish man.
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Randomize
