when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
