Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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