i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Randomize
