If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Randomize
