haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
Randomize
