Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
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