I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
