sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
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