I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Randomize
