My Higher Power is John Stamos
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
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