whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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