Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize