I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
Randomize
