I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
Randomize
