Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
