You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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