Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
Randomize
