Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
