If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Randomize
