Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
I will pee on everything he values.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
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