We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
