Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
