This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Randomize