its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
she peed on how many people?
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
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