So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
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