Well douche your snatch and let's go!
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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