Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
The beers last night were like the tears from god
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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