your parents love me but you hate me
I accidentally had phone sex last night
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
she peed on how many people?
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
I enjoy the company of your penis
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
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