What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
