i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
