my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
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