absolutely 100% incorrect. and i love you more you silk skinned goddess
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Randomize
