hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
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