i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
