As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
