Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
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