We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Randomize
