Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
Randomize
