I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
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