when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Randomize
