The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
You are the jesus of drinking
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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