On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
Randomize
