Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Randomize
