Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
