This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Randomize
