It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
Is it weird for a girl to post pictures of her dildo no facebook?
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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