I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
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