omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Randomize
