i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
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