This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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