Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
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