just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
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