You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Randomize
